so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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