I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
