I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
