Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
