Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
