I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
