If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
