After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How external is "for external use only"?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
