It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
