looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
