Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
