I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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