I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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