I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
