it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
