Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
