Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
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How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
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Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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