dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
