It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
