after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
