I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
zippers are such a cool invention
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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