If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
