i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
