Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
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I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
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we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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