Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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