I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
