Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
