apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
