Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize