I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Be still, my beating vagina.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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