Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
