I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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