Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
