You're my little dorito
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
