Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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