why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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