Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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