I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
