also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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