I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
