Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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