I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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