question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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