Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
