this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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