Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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