there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
