wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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