He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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