We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
birth control should be required to get into college
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
