u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
