did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
only you would photoshop your dick
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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