Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
