i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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