i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
