we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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