So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
