just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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