ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Also, beer. Big fan.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
