I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
