it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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