My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
worst night to have a conscience
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
